Once you realise
by Flavigny
Summary: It's interesting what a near-death experience makes you realise. Especially when it's the second one happening to you the last year. Beckett's thoughts during 4x23. One-shot.


They say that when you're about to die life passes before your eyes. Kate has been a bit too close to death two times already in only the past year, and she could testify that while she had indeed seen some of the most memorable events of her life when on the brink of death, the most prominent things on her mind were pretty similar, and they all featured most recent events and a certain Richard Castle.

When she had been shot, she didn't have much time to think, there was shock, there was pain, a lot of pain, and there was the feeling that life would inevitably end soon, and then there was his face, oh how she loved that face, the smile that lit it when he saw her or had just discovered some clue, or had the most brilliant idea, always the smile, and now he was so serious, so worried. She wanted to say something, so that his face would be lit with the same smile again, but found herself choking.

She wondered if it would hurt for much more. She wondered what it would feel like to die.

She didn't want to die, there were too little things left undone, left unsaid.

She wondered if he knows all she had ever left unsaid.

All the while he is desperately, pleadingly, begging her to stay with him, calling her "Kate", oh how she wished he called her that more often! and suddenly, choking out "I love you!", and then she lost consciousness.

She had lived, she had dealt with what had passed, she was on the brink of stopping her cowardly stalling of Castle and herself and just admitting that she felt the same and had done for a long time...

And now she was there again, seconds away from death and it didn't look like she was about to survive this time.

There had been this thing, all her adult life, she had this conviction that if she were to find who and why killed her mother, she would be complete, she would get closure and realise who she was as a person. In the past 4 years she, with the help of Castle, got so close to solving the puzzle that she could almost smell it. It was her driving force, it was something that kept her going, the only thing that kept her going. Or so she thought. She had been trying to get help with her therapist, she was almost ready to try to be "just Kate", defined by who she was and not by what murder she was supposed to solve, when suddenly this case sprang up again. And she just couldn't help herself. And there was Castle's betrayal, or so she had thought.

Because once she was there in the air, an inch away from falling to her death, the fact that the killer got away didn't matter. That she was once again where she had been a year ago on the case didn't matter. All she could think of was that Castle was disappointed in her, that Castle left her and that she might never see him again and tell him what she should have told him long ago – that she loved him too, oh so much, that he, too, was the most remarkable, challenging and infuriating person she had ever met, and also the funniest and nicest one, the best partner and friend one could wish for and how she hoped he could be so much more to her than that. She will now most likely never get to tell him that.

"Castle..." she whispered as she realised she can not climb up, didn't have the strength for it, as she looked down in the hope to see a balcony, a really high tree, something that will make sure she survives, if badly injured. But all she could see was a long distance to the concrete pavement below. She thought of the tears in his eyes as she said she didn't trust him. Her hand slipped when she recalled the expression on his face, frustrated, desperate, and incredibly sad, as he told her he had been waiting for four years for her to realise that he was right there, for her, and that he had always been there for her, and how he felt betrayed at her thinking he had betrayed her. How he pleaded with her to give up the case just to stay alive.

And suddenly she heard his voice, calling her name, and he was so close, yet so far, and she was so close to falling. She yelled his name, hoping he comes in time, and screamed and screamed. And then she fell, but a hand grabbed her and hauled her up.

It wasn't Castle. She didn't know why she felt so hollow and devastated although she had just been saved.

"Sir..."

"Don't you 'sir' me, you do not deserve to be wearing the uniform, now hand over your badges and guns."

Resigned, Kate handed over her gun, then reached for her badge. As she looked at it and thought of what it had meant to her, what she achieved as a detective, and more importantly, all that she strived to achieve, all that she still hasn't solved. And then she remembered Castle's fierce expression when he told her he loved her, and the one when he told her that it was over, and finally, that moment when she was hanging from the building, milliseconds away from her death and all she could think of was Castle. She stroked the badge, gave a small smile, threw it on the table and told the Captain Gates that she resigned.

She went out of the office, collected her things, and funnily enough she felt light, she felt good. That has been a very important decision and she wasn't half as worried about it as she thougt she might be. The only thing that was left was to talk to Castle, to tell him how she felt, to resolve that one last thing on her mind. She was tired of running, from herself, or from him, and she wanted to finally live her life, and she knew there was this amazing man that loved her and she loved him back so it was time to set things straight between them once and for all.

She went towards his house. It was raining, the weather was as dreary as she felt. What if Castle didn't want her any more, what if he grew so tired of waiting, of her constant rejection, what if today had been the last straw for him, when she said she couldn't trust him? She didn't really want to consider that possibility. She realised he must still be at the graduation ceremony, so she took a detour and went for the swings where they sat less than a year ago.

How angry and disappointed he had been at her then, she knew she was stalling then, but she never really thought how she had hurt him by not calling. But she was afraid, oh so afraid, of her feelings, of his, of everything. She just hid in her shell and tried to heal, hiding from everyone she cared about. She hadn't even called Lanie in weeks, and she didn't give her any potentially life-changing and overwhelming declarations. Yet she just couldn't face the real world out there.

And then she came out, and she went to work, and heard from the guys all about Castle and how he had helped with the case, and then she finally saw Castle again, and realised how she had missed him. He was angry for her not calling him, and she felt a bit like the tables had been turned – the year before it was he who didn't call and her that was angry with him. So much had passed since then and they were different now. She tried to tell him all that she wanted to without actually really telling him. How she wanted to have a normal relationship, meaning with him of course, never saying it, but just couldn't, not yet. And somehow he seemed to understand, and she was glad about that.

Several months had passed now and she was sitting on the same swings, looking at the empty space near her and remembered all they went through together, all they had faced and all they had yet to face. If he listened to her, that is. She knew he would be alone in his flat that night, he had told her about this after all.

So she waited, and made up her mind, and got scared, and calmed down, and then, resigned, looked at her watch and saw that it must be the time he should be at home already and Alexis would be at the graduation party.

Kate called him, just to check if he was home, to ask if he even wanted to see her. But he didn't pick up, which probably answered her last question, but that wasn't relevant anymore. She was going to see him in any case.

So she went to Castle's building, went up to his flat, and knocked on his door.

He opened with the hopeful and expecting expression on his face that he always got when he opened the door, that half-smile that she loved so much, like so many other things she loved about him... that smile faded and his expression hardened as soon as he saw her and it made her heart ache how she had hurt him, and she really didn't want to hurt him anymore. She would try to make it up to him, if only she could make him listen, and she knew he was a good listener.

"Beckett, what do you want?"

"You."


End file.
